


Demons and Shit

by PresidentGuppy



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Demons, Hiatus, M/M, Murder
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-10-21
Updated: 2013-10-21
Packaged: 2017-12-30 02:12:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,832
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1012817
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PresidentGuppy/pseuds/PresidentGuppy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Times in the Afterlife isn't exactly easy when your boss is basically Satan and you're too good at your job.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Demons and Shit

Your name is Karkat Vantas and you just killed your dad.

 

…

 

You suppose you should be flipping your shit about this right now.

However you are not flipping your shit. You are actually calmly burying your dad in a cemetery like a responsible murderer.You even brought flowers. You tuck a sheet around his body in mock sweetness and start shoveling dirt on top, ignoring the blood on your hands.

 

Ever since you were small you’ve been fighting rage-infused homicidal tendencies, so you suppose this was to be expected.

 

You pat the dirt down with your shovel and sigh, looking over at the second grave.

The only part you were squeamish about was what you had to do next.

 

You bring out your switchblade. You have no eulogy, no last words.

In an arch the blade swings down into your heart.

  
  


“Yo,”

You look up,a bit baffled. The voice was friendly.

“Welcome to Hell, I’ll be your guide.”

“What the fuck,” You croak, pulling yourself up. You don’t see anyone. There was nothing but darkness all around. “Who are you?”

“I am The Voice of God-”

“Bullshit.”

“Hey asshole don’t interrupt me okay I’ve been waiting for ages to do this so don’t ruin it for me.”

You get up and start walking, to where you have no idea.

“Oh my god fine--Dave Strider, pleasure to meet you yadda yadda I have an offer for you.”

You see a brief flash of flames and a douche wearing shades that cover half of his face, wearing a bright red suit.

“Is that what you’re calling yourself?”

“Bitch please, I’ve always been Dave Strider. Son of Satan or what have you I don’t know.”

You narrow your eyes at him and pick at the blood on your sleeves.

“So how did you get into the whole killing people thing? Anger issues?”

“You should know, some son of satan you are.”

“Shit kid you’re full of snark today.”

“You look like an asshole.”

“That’s a great way to make friends, keep doing that.”

“Fuck you.”

“Hey man at least take me on a date first.”

You lunge at him, shrieking.

“Oh my fuck okay I was kidding calm down.”

You glare at him heatedly.

“Seriously though you want this offer or not it’s either this or eternal damnation okay.” He holds up his hands in mock surrender. “just trying to help here, don’t kill the messenger.”

“What’s the offer?” You snap. You have  no idea who the hell (ha) this guy is but if you’re dead then you might as well talk to him. You don’t fancy having to burn in hell for the rest of eternity, if that’s what the guy was implying. You bet he’s lying (again).

“Be a demon and haunt the shit out of some people, get them to kill themselves, no biggie. You get weekends off and shit. Holidays too.” He pulls out a file from the void surrounding you and hands it over. He continues as you flip through it. “We have a quota see, building an army and shit we need less gluttons more murderers, y’know? The more people dead through you the more power you get. You also get stickers, it’s a new thing. Good for moral or some shit. You also look pretty cool, so thats a bonus.”

You look up at him.

“Fine,” You say.

“Deal?” He holds out his hand; his nails are manicured, what an ass.

“Deal.” You shake on it, making sure to scratch his hand while you’re at it.

 

You go through your first few assignments easily.

You managed to convince a pot smoker you were the angel of double death, whatever the hell that meant, and that you required his eternal service. He wasn’t angry when he found out you lied, though. He laughed and took a demonary position, just like you did. Turns out he had murdered several people before. He gave you the chills, to be honest.

The second was a bipolar case of sparking fury and misery that went down without much fight. He runs the computing system in hell, now, split into two people rather than one.

You get a lawyer’s daughter to hang herself.

You guide a paraplegic into a river to drown

You start to hate yourself.

Throughout these assignments you gain power. It stirs under you skin in waves and swirls. When it starts to ooze out you realize this is what Dave had meant when he said you start to change.

Armored plates grow out of your skin and cover most of you, excluding your face and stomach. Your hands a razor sharp claws. Your teeth needles. You can’t wear clothes anymore, they tear on your spines at the slightest moment.

You lose your humanity, you lose your gender.

“Lookin’ good, buddy.” Dave says one day as you enter his office.

You make sure to leave long tears in his doorframe.

“Hey now, no need for that.”

“I’m not human anymore.” You say blankley. You sit on the chair in front of his desk and rip it to shreds with your back spines. You knead on the decorative pillow irritably, glaring at him.

“Yeah I get that can you please stop ruining my upholstery?” Dave steeples his fingers. “Look, there’s no need to be upset. Being human held you back, now you can do so much more!”

“Yes,” you say sardonically, “I can feed on sex, thank you so much for that.”

“Price to pay for power,” he says dismissively. “You’re on your way to becoming an arch demon. How’s that feel?”

“Shitty,” you admit. “I’m hungry as hell.”

“Want me to feed you?” Dave leers. He looks at your from over his shades, red eyes alluring.

You call him an ass and throw the remains of the pillow at him, flushing scarlet.

“You haven’t used any of your vacations, y’know. What are you, a workaholic?”

You shrug and ignore the resulting shred of fabric.

“There’s not much else to do.” you lie. You know he can tell by the way he tenses.

He frowns, which surprises you.

“There is so much to do. Are you...not happy like this? Is that it?”

You curl up on the chair and shrug, picking at your claws.

He stares at you, quiet.

“You must be hella hungry,” He says, voice soft. “you haven’t been eating at all, have you?”

You bite your lip and shake your head. This entire time you’ve been feeding on the power-ups dave had given you for you jobs well done. For all of your blase feeding frightened you.

You find it nauseating.

“Kid, Karkat, you have to eat sometime.” He sounds strained. When you look up he’s as blank as ever.

“‘don’t want to,” You mumble.

He nods knowingly. “your loss,” he says, spinning his chair so he doesn’t have to face you.

“Look, You’re not missing out on anything as a demon. You still have organs and shit. Explore yourself a little. Take a break for awhile, I hear Washington is nice this time of year.”

You frown irritably. “Washington is wet.”

“The other one.”

“Too crowded.”

“Try Texas?”

“Too hot,” you say, and he realizes you’re fucking with him.

He shakes his head slowly. “You know what? Go to Vegas. I have a cousin there--Her name is Rose, she’ll take you around, get you to have to fun for once.”

“Playing slot machines doesn’t appeal to me,” You say dryly. Never the less you are intrigued. Cousin?

Dave waves a lazy hand. “There’s more than gambling in Vegas, kid! Look at the sights! Eat some juveniles! Here’s a tip: go to Freemont street rather than the strip, it’s way less crowded.”

You sigh and heave yourself off of the couch. You know when you’re dismissed.

 

Rose Lalonde is perhaps the most terrifying leviathan you’ve ever seen.

Tall and slender, as a high class demon she is able to keep a human form without effort, same as Dave. She is sly and clever and knows her way around. She oozes power, and you’re surprised a even a mid-class vampire could stand to be in her presence, let alone be her mate for several years.

Her name is Kanaya, and she is the sweetest, motherly figure you never had.

She is also closely guarded by Rose’s tentacle-like power.

Regardless They welcome you with open arms. You are constantly surprised over how kind most demons tend to be.

You are given a large, spacious room with a comfortable pile of resilient fabrics and pillows. It appears Dave had forewarned them of your spines.

“I do hope you’ll be comfortable here,” Rose said sweetly. You try to ignore her ice-cold message of if you ruin my knittings you suffer. Kanaya helps you unpack and tuts over your lack of clothes, giving you a pitying look when you tell her their shredded end.

When night approaches they take you out to explore where residential areas are being made. People frequently paint these areas and claim them for gangs, before they were brutally torn to shreds by Rose and drained dry by Kanaya. They encourage you to join them and you say you’re on a diet, gagging when they aren’t looking.

Kanaya talks to you about the economics of the city, how many tax dollars are used to cover up the paint on a yearly basis and how it ruins the art the Blood’s had made for the roadways in and out of town.

Rose directs you to interesting landmarks and, at your request, less occupied areas.

You take a trip to the mountains and Boulder city to see the hoover dam.

You feel content relaxing in the grooves of the rocks overlooking the colorado river.

You become thinner as the days go by. Rose prods at you passive-aggressively, trying to get you to admit it. Kanaya is the only one you tell.

“So that’s it?” She sighs deeply and tucks your hair behind a pointed ear. “Eating is unavoidable, Karkat. If you don’t you will be vulnerable, even here. There are Demon hunters everywhere, dear, even if they have mostly given up on this city.”

You tell her you can’t, you just can’t do it.

She gives you a solution.

“A...host?”

“Yes. With a host human you can leech off of their life energy. In return you lend them your power. No feeding necessary, it’s a symbiotic relationship.”

“That sounds...perfect?”

“You will look down upon by others, however.” Kanaya rubs her head. “Other demons say these kinds of relationships are a sign of weakness, that you can’t take care of yourself.”

“Sounds pretty accurate.” You flop over on the cushions with a sigh. “I  have to do it.”

“They make it sound so awful though, I have to wonder if it’s worth it.”

“So all I have to do is possess someone?”

“Sort of. Inhabit someone weak or unstable of mind, perhaps a teenager. They get around and you won’t be stuck in a routine.”

“Right...So who do I take?”

“...I do believe I know someone.”

 

The bell above the door jingled merrily as Karkat, Rose and Kanaya entered the small bakery.

“Welcome!”

Karkat eyed the cheerful boy behind the counter. Bright blue eyes and buck teeth, nice choice Kanaya.

Said Vampire eyed him menacingly before smiling serenely and greeting him.

His name is John Egbert and he is a “friend” of Rose. They grew up together before Rose died a gruesome death by murder that apparently never happened. He’s friendly and sweet and gives them extra coffee for free.

Kanaya requests something in a whisper and he guides them to the upstairs of the bakery to his flat.

She asks him if he has hit his head any time soon, he seems rather unbalanced.

He mumbles something and manages to touch his head before Rose knocks him out with a bat that was hanging on the wall.

“So what now?” you nudge him with your foot quizzically.

“Focus your power on his mind.” Rose said cheerfully. “It’ll be easy to make a place for yourself inside with him unconscious like this.”

“Don’t scramble his head too much,” Kanaya added hurriedly and you began to focus, “You’ll wreck him!”

Your last thought before you were absorbed was that they seemed to actually care for John.

 

When your host wakes up its to Rose applying an ice pack to his head and Kanaya fluttering about, cleaning compulsively. You snort at them from your space in his head and listen to his thoughts.

Confused what head hurts ow passed out?

“John, are you alright?” Rose asks, perfectly worried.

He touches the bump on his head and asks what happened.

“You fainted!” Kanaya scurries over, all concern. She looks into his eyes and sees you.

“You were becoming dizzy from climbing the stairs--we thought you had just gone up them too fast before you passed out cold! Did you hit your head today?”

“I...think so?” John groaned and Rose gently pushed him back on the rug. “I have a concussion?”

“I believe so,” she says sweetly, “you must see a doctor immediately.”

“It’s fine!” John abruptly said, “I’m fine, I’ve had concussions before, I have medicine for it. Uh, the cupboard in the bathroom?”

Kanaya runs off and you laugh at him, making yourself at home.

 

The first few days are nice. You quietly observe as John takes time off to recover.

When he sleeps you have full control of his body, and make complete use of this by exploring the flat and nudging things a few inches over for him to run into the next morning.

You learn about him.

He likes really terrible movies. He likes Nicholas Cage and paranormal things. He’s an amatur magician and tries to program computers but fails horribly.

He’s a huge dork who never leaves his house/bakery.

His father is rarely around.

There are harlequins everywhere and you’re not sure why. The only thing you’re sure of is that he kind of hates them.

Eventually you begin to get bored.

You start whispering to him when he’s distracted, and are surprised to find he responds as if your requests were his own. He watches rom coms on netflix and starts trying to program computer viruses.

You learn that you can look into his dreams.

His dreams are such shit though, so you leave them be.

Eventually you receive a visitor.

“Oh holy hell please do not tell me that you are here right now.”

“Maaan, today is righteous,” Gamzee says with a smile, lounging on Johns desk. You glare at him from your seat on the bead, halfway through a new movie.

“Mind if I be laying down some deep truths on you, brother?”

You sneer at him. “Oh, by all means.”

He lurches forward and strolls over to you in three wide, sweeping steps.

“Brother, if reliance is a blessing, self-reliance is the truth. You dig?”

“No, I don’t,” You say flatly, rolling your eyes.

He laughs and sits next to you, looking at the paused screen. “Blessings are lies wrapped in bundles of ignorance, see? That shit is toxic. The truth is the truth, though. Ain’t nothing like the truth.”

You telling him to stop talking and buzz off. He calls you his best friend.

“Motherfuckers be needing guides around here,” He says seriously, once credits start rolling sometime later. “But they all got the wrong ones.”

“Okay, listen you bent out of shape weirdo,” You glare at him with all the venom John may or may not have, “If I ever meet someone I happen to hate more than you, it’ll be one of your miracles I swear. “ He stares at you blankly. “Look, I’m sorry for what I did to you. I...”

“Best friend I already up and forgave you for that,” He smiles at you sweetly.

“I don’t deserve it, though!” You blurt. “I...I was manipulative, I lied to you. Why don’t you hate me?”

He leans over and kisses your cheek.

“Because,” he coos, “I’ll motherfucking slaughter you when I motherfucking feel like it.”

You decide that he probably hated you as much as you hated him.

“Anyway,” he says, leaning back. “I got  some news for you from down under.”

You try to scoot away from him as discreetly as possible while he continues.

“See, hellspawn are getting pretty agitated. Turns out the big man is heading out for awhile, and Dave is gonna be in charge.” Gamzee laughs. “They think they can overthrow him real easy like, so he says you can’t come back for a long while. Not until he can get them to see that he’s the main motherfucker.”

“uh-huh, yeah, okay.” You say quickly. You hope he leaves soon.

He does not, in fact, leave soon. He wanders around looking at the harlequins before finally taking one and exiting out of a window with a lazy salute.

 

 


End file.
